Mental Illness

Mental illness affects millons of people worldwide. In some cultures people who diaplay mental illness are assumed to have demons inside or to be possessed. From a very personal perspective, I think mental illness is one of the most debilitating diseases a person can live with. A person with mental illness is not sick in the textbook version of illness. It is something that never goes away. It is something that haunts them everyday of their lives. My mother was diagnosed as bipolar when I was just 6 years old. For the majority of her childhood she was the "bad" child and was assumed to have been acting out all the time. Her parents were high society and having a child with a mental illness was taboo so she went undiagnosed until her late 20's. My childhood was significantly altered because of her illness. She couldn't hold down a job for long because of the debilitating depressve episodes. There were days that it was literally impossible for her to get off of the couch other than to go to the bathroom. I learned very early on how to take care of myself and my brother. I could cook dinner for my family by age 9, and I always got myself up and ready for school in the mornings. When I was in high school I spent my Friday nights taking care of my mother instead of going to pep rallies and football games. Her depression angered me most of the time. I felt like I was being robbed of all the "normal" things that kids should be able to do. My brother couldn't handle the constant rollercoaster and moved in with my father when I was 15. I just couldn't leave her all alone. The summer before my senior year in high school, I became pregnant with my son. That was the same summer that my mother, in a drug induced high, pulled out a 9mm and shot herself while we were having a conversation. It came out of nowhere. For the longest time I was angry with her for doing something like that in front of her own child. It took me a reaaly long time to realize that she wasn't doing it TO me but to herselef to escape from the daily pain she suffered through all of her life. Looking back I realize that my mom taught me a lot. I know that I will never do to my child what she did to me. I will never rely on drugs to make me feel better. I will cherish each day that God gives me and I will cherish my child. I will be thankful for the determination she taught me. And more than anything else I am thankful that she taught me to be a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman. I am 35 years old and am completing my degree (a feat many thought would never happen!). I will be successful and I am a great mom. She wasn't the greatest mom but she did the best she could with the cards that she was dealt. I cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up everyday and be angry that I had to do it all over again. That is what she had to deal with and I thank God everyday that I do not have to suffer the way she suffered. I realize now that the petty things I suffered as a kid paled in comparison to what she dealt with. I hope she has found the peace she speent her life searching for.